WHAT IS FRIENDSHIP?

Image via Wikipedia

When is a friend not a friend? Liam Fox and his mate Adam Werritty must have had some difficulty in defining the concept of friendship. In retrospect, was it a you-scratch-my-back-and-I’ll-scratch-yours relationship? Did they send each other birthday cards and gossip over their beer? Did they do football matches together and moan about the wife? Did they care about each other? Mr. Werrity seemed interested in gaining insight into the workings of government. Why else would he have trotted behind his friend like an enthusiastic shadow? And now, an inquiry is under way to discover if his persistent lurking compromised national security and led to his mate resigning and being accused of breaking the ministerial code. And as usual, it looks as if money was at the heart of the issue. There have now been allegations that these jolly trips Werritty took with his mate were funded by people with a special interest in our defence policies. Some friendship.

Could it be that the expectations we have of our friends depend on how we view ourselves? If we think it’s okay to lie and cheat; if we see no harm in it, is it likely that we will choose friends who also lie and cheat? Or do we just make excuses for our friends because most of us are so desperate to fit in and be liked?

Teaching children moral independence and integrity from an early age, could help them distinguish good friends from bad. And there are bad friends out there. They are the ones who betray you, who lack loyalty and consideration, who lie in order to protect themselves and leave you to deal with the consequences. Good friends stick with you, never compromise you and show their friendship by never putting you in a position where you don’t know what is going on. Good friends explain themselves! A good friend is there when times are tough. A bad friend lands you in it and walks away, feeling unscathed.

To my mind, friendship is a kind of love. When you love someone, you care for them. When you are friends with someone – I don’t mean just being an acquaintance – you care about them. Their welfare is important to you and you express that by being there for them, no matter what. True friendship is not limited to polite niceties. Real friendship takes work and commitment. There is no expected payback in a true friendship. The happiest couples say they are friends first. If you start by liking your partner enough to develop a long-term friendship, love is likely to be the outcome. Friendship gives you responsibilities you want to have. To support a friend when they need you, can be life changing. It changes your life because you see yourself in a new way; you see what you are capable of. The converse is also true. If you betray a friend, you may not immediately see the damage done to yourself or to your friend, but in the end, you will be as affected by your bad behaviour as your friend was. There is a lot of negative energy around friendship betrayal.

So what is true friendship? It is unconditional. There is mutual respect. You feel emotionally safe; you feel comfortable. You know there is trust between you. In an emotional crisis, a true friend will be there and you will be able to ask them to rescue you when you hit rock bottom and they will never shrug or look scared or show diffidence. True friendship lets you speak without having to measure your words or control your emotions. Man or woman, we should all be able to have a good cry with a true friend and know they will be okay about it. They will listen and understand.

For me, calling someone a friend means you look out for them.   Mr Fox and Mr Werritty take note.